I’ve Had a Lot Going On

Marc is a gem of a human. He’s an educator and the kind person who brings home stray dogs. He can’t walk past an Angel Tree without selecting a name, and he would give you the shirt off his back. People often describe Marc as “such a good guy.”

A few years ago, Marc began to get invitations to speak at professional development events for educators. The events were small and local, but he always over-delivered. He loved sharing his classroom expertise, and over time, he received more speaking invitations.

Earlier this year, Marc realized he needed to overhaul his basic website to book larger events. He also knew he had a limited web design skill set, so he hired a professional.

Yesterday, Marc texted me and asked if we could hop on a call. He said he had a tough decision to make, and he wanted my opinion.

On the call, he shared that a few months ago, he was really excited to work with his new web designer, Carol. He loved the samples of her work, she had great testimonials from previous clients, and she talked a lot about being a partner with him on this journey. The contract outlined that she would provide prompt communication, and he genuinely felt he was in good hands.

He had signed a contract with Carol, which included a 50% deposit. They agreed she would have a sample website for him in two weeks. After waiting a month to hear from Carol, Marc emailed her to ask about the mock-up website. A week passed before Carol replied. She apologized, acknowledged that she owed him a mock-up, and shared that she had a lot going on in her personal life. She said she would have it to him by Friday.

Two Fridays came and went with no communication from Carol.

Marc reached out again. After nearly a week of silence, Carol replied. She apologized several times and again shared that she had a lot going on. She referenced some family members with health issues and promised to deliver the work by the end of the week.

Needless to say, that deadline also passed. After another week, Marc reached out with clear expectations for the delivery of the mock-up. Again, there was a delayed response, and Carol’s reply was filled with apologies and reasons why she was behind. She shared a list of details about her personal life and again made a promise to deliver.

Marc shared with me that he was really struggling. He is a compassionate guy. He genuinely cares about others and seeks to be thoughtful and empathic in all his relationships, but he was clearly frustrated.

I asked Marc what bothered him the most about this situation. He shared that while he cared for Carol as a human (even though they had never met face-to-face), he felt she was taking advantage of him. He said he had hired her to lead this project, and she simply wasn’t leading. When he asked for project updates, she shared life updates, and this was uncomfortable for him.

Sadly, I often see this behavior from leaders across all industries.

One truth I hold tightly to when it comes to leadership is this: It is not our followers' responsibility to carry our personal burdens.

Carol crossed a line. She wanted Marc to listen, hear her pain, and understand how much she was dealing with, but that was not his role in their relationship.

Leaders need to develop a community of peers who can help them navigate life’s difficult moments. A community of equals is the space where leaders can share the pain of life and seek support.

This situation felt off to Marc because, in many ways, their roles were being reversed. Marc had hired Carol to lead a specific project, but due to her inability to manage her personal life, Marc had to lead Carol to the finish line.

In a healthy relationship, leaders serve their followers; followers do not serve their leaders.

So, what did Marc decide to do? He walked away from the deal and lost his deposit. Trying to lead Carol through her personal stress was too much, and ultimately, he realized how unfair that was. He hired a new individual to design his website, and he is now crushing it on the public speaking circuit.

Toxic leaders expect their followers to meet their needs, which often causes an uncomfortable role reversal. Healthy leaders create a community of peers where they can share the challenges they are facing, receive perspective, encouragement, and support, and return to their people equipped to lead.

When Marc realized he was frustrated, he reached out to me–a peer, an equal, a part of his support system–he did not put his feelings on those he was leading.

Leaders must create a community of peer support to help them navigate life’s difficult moments. We would all do well to follow Marc’s example.

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